The courage to commit to what I really wanted to create

Years ago, when I was in the midst of discovering I was losing my vision and hearing, and facing kidney failure, my beloved late friend Laurie Foley was in treatment for cancer. We spoke every day - about everything, the way you do when life is very close and very real.

One day, Laurie asked me why I was still working as a therapist and not giving it up to make art full-time.

An answer burped out of my mouth before I had the chance to think: "Because I'm not mature enough yet to be an artist."

My answer surprised me as much as it did Laurie. We both laughed and laughed and laughed! Because what a bizarre thing to say, especially given the grief support work I was doing at the time.

I didn't understand why I'd said it. And yet it felt completely true.

I've thought about that conversation so many times in the years since I committed fully to my art in 2020, and I understand now what was so right about it. I loved practising therapy. But art-making was my first love, and it's where I feel most at home, most myself. It's what I've always wanted to do.

And it's incredibly scary to commit fully to what you want most.

What if you commit, and then it doesn't work out? What if you allow yourself to fully embrace and love something and then you lose it?

Part of me knew, back then, that I wasn't ready to bear that vulnerability. 

As I shared with Dr. Chris Hoff on the Radical Therapist podcast, losing my vision - along with so much else that ruptured in our lives around that time - helped me to see clearly that loss is going to happen anyway. And what a profound loss it would be to never develop the courage to commit to what - or who - you love most.

Staying open in the face of uncertainty, loss, and fear is not naivety. It takes radical courage - and emotional maturity - to face all the vulnerability and fear and let yourself wholeheartedly commit to what you really want.